Im sure most Moms have their moments of doom or despair, where they just feel the weight of family responsibility and all their good intentions collapsing around them, and it feels like your best efforts to help everyone else achieve just don't even come close to cutting it. I've had a good 6 months of feeling that way (if not longer). Recently its been particularly unbearable.
I feel like I've needed a break for so long, and theres no end or relief in sight... and I think since I'm ALWAYS with my kids sometimes it unfairly causes me to vent on them. Particularly since I need to be bright eyed and bushy tailed and 100% for all the other kids I am trying to nurture, I expect my toddlers to be at their personal best.
Yes, you read that right, I realize its completely absurd and illogical... I mean, HELLLOOOOOO, MCFLY.... THEY ARE TODDLERS... they have no concept or reasoning for 'personal best...'
Even so, its my responsibility to instill that concept somewhere in their fleeting childhood, and I cant seem to find an opportunity to GO TO THE BATHROOM sometimes during the day... so I start to feel guilty (like all moms?) that I can't seem to be doing more... giving more... helping make them better people... if only __________. (ie: we had more money, I had more time, there were more hours in a day, I could be more patient, kind, loving, selfless.... )
I know my burden isnt unique, and that parenthood, particularly motherhood, is wearing on every human soul brave enough (or ignorant enough! ha!) to journey this path. But sometimes... I want to dig a hole when all my inadequacies start to show through and pile up.
So. I've been in this dark place for awhile. And then, last week... I had a really bad week. The kind where youre counting the SECONDS to the weekend, and praying you can get those freaky powers like that one chick on that 80's show "Out Of This World" where you touch your fingers together and freeze time so you dont have to face disaster ahead in the coming week.
So. This weekend, I did a little self-help therapy. I took some deep breaths, I wrote out a game plan, I took control (ish). I told my self we were DESTINED for a great week ahead, we were re-implementing charts, and rewards, and systems and family bonding. We spent all that fantastic time together... just enjoying each other.
And this week... I know, its onlyTuesday... but still... it has been like seeing daylight for the first time in months.
Particularly with Dawson.
Monday morning... the sun just came out! He walked out of his bedroom, beaming with clarity, self control and intellect. He was ready to wonder, and laugh, and play. Not that he hasn't done these things in the past, but just that he was ready to do them the way I've been trying to show him. He uses kind words. He helps the babies up when they fall. He runs ahead of us and opens the door when were approaching home from our morning walk, and chimes "Ladies first!" to all the girls (myself included) as he waits for us to pass by.
He's freaking FUNNY!
Today, he came in the living room all panicked "Kennedi grabbed the thing off the kitchen counter!" I asked him what thing, and he said without missing a beat... ' the bug spanker.'
He meant 'fly swatter.'
I laughed... and he immediately started cracking up too, realizing he'd said the wrong thing and it was funny.
When I tuck him in at naptime... he lays down and goes to sleep like the rest of the quiet house, without insisting he has to poo again, or that I sit there and watch him fall asleep with my laptop.
He wants to snuggle on the couch (as he is tucked under my arm as I type this).
He is THRILLED with our learning time we've been sharing together after lunch, before his nap and just after I tuck everyone else in for their rest time. He's been staying up an exra 10 minutes with me, learning his ABC's and how to write them, and the sounds they all make. It makes a Mom feel SO GOOD to see her baby boy actually crave learning the way he does. He is fascinated, and enthusiastic about letters. I see a 2nd generation blogger in the making... (that is, if he can get time away from his column at the New York Times).
Anyways. I just have to say, I am so proud of my kids. I know I make all kinds of stink here and there and everywhere about how downright ornery they are at times.
But the honest truth of the matter is... the light always outshines the darkness. Especially when omitted from my 2 little sunshines.
Horray for attitude adjustments, new perspectives, and three cheers for mothers of toddlers (and all mothers, everywhere!).
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