No... not that "O" word, perverts.
This post is about the fact that recently... I am feeling... I cant believe I am saying this aloud into the universe (ha)... it kind of feels like admitting defeat, or like maybe I am on the cusp of inviting some sort of nasty self-fulfilling prophecy ... but just lately, Ive been faced with this paralyzing idea...
could it be possible that already, I am becomming... "old?"
For the most part, I really don't actually believe that I am. But then again... that's what all the old people always say!
The warning signs are all there.
I saw this picture of myself taken last weekend during our visit with Terese and Lyle... and thought... man, I LOOK OLLLLLD! Wrinkled and wise (zoom in, and check out my cheek!). I know, sounds a little dramatic... (and if you are older than me and reading this, you probably hate me, sorry) but I see it. For the first time, ever.
Kari asked me last week in all seriousness if Ive started using wrinkle cream yet (she wasnt trying to be rude, apparently alot of people start doing that in their 20's?). It sounded proposterous to me! Um, now...when I see this...not so much anymore. Also? Wrinkle cream isnt cheap, people!
Another sign is the fact that in all my new health and excercise routines, I do feel much stronger physically, as well as more energized throughout the day. What I didnt expect... was the fact that after some light weight training, a yoga class, and a nasty and embarassing dive off the treadmill in front of an entire gym full of beautiful people (top5 awesomely embarassing moments of my life, easily)... my lower back is officially more tweaked than a pot farmer and its FREAKING KILLING ME.
It came to my mind again yesterday when I spent part of the morning with my youngest brother, Kyle. Kyle is 11 years younger than me, and up to this point its always been 'cool' to be the older sibling. Until we were having this conversation about girls I referred to as "hootchies."
Yah, I know... I haven't used that word in at least 10 years either... but amazingly, it was still buried somewhere in my ancient trove of hip vocabulary words.
He had absolutely no idea what I was talking about. At all.
I think 'old' is relative. If I were, say, 30. And I had spent the last decade and a half traveling, and saving villages, and earning degrees and doctorates, and attending fundraisers and board meetings in some dream career... and then decided to settle down and be a Mom... I would expect to be an older Mom who looked and acted the part of... well, a 'MOM!'
But I have done none of these things. I am living my life backwards, actually. I am 25, with 2 toddlers and a mortgage I pray I can make the payment on each month. I have some responsibility, but I'm still 'only' 25! Theres so much left for me to do! Am I going to be... "old"... by the time I get around to being something more? You mean even young moms cant be "milfs" forever?
Will people take me seriously when I am the old woman in the back of the classroom at Cuesta?
I suppose not... honestly, if some-sweet-how the clock were magically turned back, and I were the 18yr old checking my text messages and trying to get thru another boring lecture at city college so my parents wouldn't kick me out of the house or (GASP!) make me pay rent, I juuuuust might have uttered a joke to my bff sitting in front of me at the expense of the 40-something year old woman in the back of the classroom who was fiercely taking notes about whatever trivial topic the professor was rambling about.
I'm not saying it would have been right to do that... and I'd like to say I've grown up now.
And I guess I really have... because now that will soooo be me (the note taking douche bag). And honestly, I don't think I will care when the cool kids whisper. Because I will call all of their mothers and tell them what I saw them doing in the parking lot before class... and then all of their worst nightmares will come true, they will have to pay rent and probably also have to write me a lovely apology letter (assuming their mom was the 35 year old career woman and not the 25 year old milf).
And that is the power of being old.
****************Things I've learned about myself in writing this post*********************
1. I dont know If I consider myself an older hag mother who had a career and started off late or an irresponsible sex-thirsty young mother... neither of which I made sound particularly attractive. I guess that fact alone... damned if youre old, damned if youre young... really speaks truths about the loose loose loose regarding much of motherhood in general at any age. Oh well.
2. I dont know how to spell "carrers." Carreers. Carear. Career ( I this this is the winner?). Better add basic english grammar to my Fall schedule for classes at the Jr. college.